I’ve had the same conversation with slightly different nuances several times in the past 20 months. And those are about this idea of paradox, of making space for the “and” in life, that something can be this and that at the same time, that I can say I feel grateful and disappointed all in the same breath.
Both feelings are equally valid. What’s up with that?
As time passes since this world was turned upside-down in March 2020, I continue to have experiences that force me to hold two things at once. It’s funny how I’m still not used to it. Each time it happens, I struggle to make sense of it until suddenly it clicks: “Oh, there’s the and again.” 💡
On a morning walk up Sacred Buffalo Guardian Mountain here in Banff last week, I played a timely episode of Brené Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us (linked below). It was a conversation with Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and best-selling author who focuses particularly on relationships. They talked about a number of things I can’t easily summarize here, but the part that stuck out to me the most was their dialogue about whether or not we have agency over our fate and decisions. Or, do we live in a space where we accept there is uncertainty and things can change?
Brené’s answer perfectly summarized my own:
“I think I straddle the paradox of ‘I have a profound sense of agency’ and ‘shit happens.’”
Perel, whose parents were survivors of the Nazi concentration camps and the sole survivors of their respective families, had a similar answer, but one rooted in a very real sense of what one can lose. Trauma was a part of her life from the very beginning. She grew up with the notion that, from one day to the next, everything can disappear. To paraphrase her answer: she lives as if she can take charge, but knows that, at any moment, something can be taken away.
It’s a delicate balance.
I honestly can’t imagine what that’s really like—having that degree of knowing what’s at stake. I’ve often wondered if it’s a bit like parenting, like how until you have a child of your own you can’t possibly know what it’s like to be a parent: the love, the sacrifice, the interrupted sleep, the worry… the whole package. Is it the same with extreme loss?
I’ve had my own small share of devastating losses that made a mark on me. But, sometimes, it’s the smaller things that add up that also test my strength. I had one such experience last week that challenged me to reconsider what I should expect in life, and whether I could be happy when the carpet was pulled out from underneath me.
Paul was in Europe for a few weeks running a photography workshop and I was the sole caregiver in my home. These weeks of solo parenting demand a lot of me. So when my youngest came down with a bad cold and I needed to stay home with her, it also meant I lost all of my personal time, my sleep, my chances to get outdoors and exercise, and my work time. I had to cancel work meetings left, right, and centre. I cancelled social plans and a chance to connect with friends who were visiting from Ontario.
By the time I cancelled my Thanksgiving plans with friends, I was sort of laughing, sort of crying. 🙃 [It’s worth mentioning we still cooked for each other and dropped off food so that we could all enjoy it, though not together.]
It was only a week of cancelling everything, but I think it struck me harder because it landed within nearly two years of cancelling a heck of a lot more.
Today, after the dust has settled and the little one went back to daycare, I’m doing just fine. I’m exhausted, but I know I’ll be OK. I hesitated to even write about this because when I listen to someone like Esther Perel and all she has lived through my problems seem very, very, very small. But comparative suffering doesn’t get us anywhere, either.
So, I’m taking last week as yet another lesson in accepting that, indeed, we can have agency to make plans and shape our lives, but perhaps what’s more important is to accept the uncertainty that things will ever work out how we intended.
Agency and Uncertainty. ⚖️
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What’s caught my attention lately… ✨
Brené Brown with Esther Perel on Partnerships, Patterns, and Paradoxical Relationships - I’m not the type of person to listen to podcasts twice but this episode is one I’m sure I’ll tune into again. I had so many 🤯 moments throughout that I had to pause the episode to actually absorb it at times. I highly recommend you tune into this one.
Check these out too… 🙌
Mailing List - Memoir - Join my list to find out more about the travelogue/memoir coming out in Fall 2022.
The Wonders That I Find - My children’s book is now available! 🌿
My Email Newsletter - Yes, different from Substack. This newsletter is for specific updates about my books and various projects.
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