I remember how warm the sun felt on my face. All around me, and beneath me, the sun was melting the snow and making it unstable. We needed to hurry. Our climbing crew was still high on the mountain with the snow softening as the sun reached higher and grew stronger. We needed that snow to stay firm enough to descend.
It was a pivotal moment for me—when my fear overtook any semblance of enjoyment in the climb or even the desire to be mountaineering. Climbers should feel scared at times; it’s what keeps them safe. But this was different. It was a paralyzing fear that felt like my heart had lodged in my throat and sat there pumping with beats so loud they hurt my ears.
I realized then that perhaps my years of mountaineering were coming to an end. I was losing my nerve for a sport I used to enjoy, dangers and all.
Even if that were true, one problem remained. I still needed to get down the mountain.
Deep breath. Take a step. Deep breath. Take another. 👣
My heart sank back into my chest and my thinking mind backed out of the process altogether. One more step, and another.
It took many hours to descend and just as long to hike back out to the road. We made it out unscathed, but I felt like I had dodged a bullet. [Keep reading below…]
High up on Mt. Sir Douglas, moments before fear took hold of me. Photo by Paul Zizka.
[Cont.]
Thinking back, some of my most fearful times act like spikes on a graph, the significance of them etched in my memory: a car accident when I was ten; that moment high up on Sir Douglas; a mammogram at 33 because of a random lump (which turned out to be nothing).
These are the significant ones. And yet even the smallest fears can get the best of us. When they do, I apply the same practice. Take one step at a time. The same applies to times that I feel intimated or overwhelmed.
I wrote on Instagram about how I hadn’t been downhill skiing in four years, but I finally overcame my intimidation by taking a single step in the process: buying a lift pass.
When Paul and I first started to tinker with the idea of buying a home in Banff, I felt paralyzed with overwhelm. So I committed to a single step: viewing a potential home.
When I embarked on my first mountaineering trip after having a baby, I was worried my fear would make me an unsafe partner on the mountain. So, I made a request: that we choose an objective that wasn’t too exposed and that required little rope work.
Completing that first step gave me the confidence to take another.
I’ll finish with this: I recently made a decision to depart from a company I co-founded six years ago. Prior to making that decision, I was afraid, intimated and overwhelmed. But the pandemic had taken my life and shaken it upside-down, the way a woman might shake out the contents of her purse. I could no longer keep everything inside it.
From one standpoint, the first step had been made for me. The pandemic had dumped out the contents of my life. It was up to me to take the next step, which was to figure out what to put back inside it. 👜
Despite my fears shouting at me, it came down to this: What I could control and what I couldn’t. I decided to focus on what I could, and the fear had less power.
Maybe there is something that’s got you trapped in fear right now. Or, maybe you’re feeling a bit intimidated to try something, have that conversation you know you need to have or make a decision.
Take just one step. Focus on what you can control. The rest will follow. 👣
What’s caught my attention lately… ✨
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, by Emily and Amelia Nagoski, is about so much more than burnout. It’s geared towards women and offers a science-based approach that helps you understand why you feel burnout, not just what to do about it. For the men in my midst, this podcast with the authors gives a window into the content. I highly recommend you check them out! Both of these have completely shifted the way I look at stress and stressors in my life.
Check these out too… 🙌
The Wonders That I Find - My children’s book is available for pre-order! 🌿
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Photo by Jack Redgate via Pexels.com.