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This is me. This is all of me. š«¶
Reflecting on setbacks that keep us from doing things we love. š„ŗ
This is the third time Iāve sat down to write this article. It started as a simple piece about setbacks, a topic Iāve become well-acquainted with the past nine months. I let the piece simmer overnight, as I usually do, and the next morning, I didnāt feel right sending it. Why? I didnāt want to be a Debbie Downer in your inbox. It wasnāt a feel-good piece. It was, in brief: reality check, setbacks suck.
But later that morning I went to drop off a copy of my book to a good friend. This is someone I donāt see often but with whom I can be instantly honest. You know those friends? Hold onto those ones. She asked how I was doing, and when someone like that asks how Iām doing, I donāt say, great, thanks, the way I do at the grocery store check-out. Instead, I teared up and said: Itās been rough.
I told her what had been happening, some of which I canāt include here. But the piece I can use today for the purposes of unpacking this topic is related to my fitness. To summarize, since January Iāve had two broken toes and suffered from long COVID symptoms. Iāve been frustrated by my inability to keep up the level of fitness that I both want and need. Seriously, I just want to pound it out on a run sometimes, get my heart rate up, and sweat out the stress. Sure, I have other ways of coping, but physical activity serves a multitude of purposes for me. And being in perpetual healing mode, physically, has felt like I have a shaky foundation underneath all the other stuff Iām building in my life.
āYou make it look easy on social media,ā my friend said. It wasnāt a jab. Sheās just the kind of person who knows that thereās always more to the story.
The comment made me realize that I needed to revisit this article. I shouldnāt hold back from my community because I donāt want to be a downer. Because, if anything, my past experience of being vulnerable with you has taught me that these are the kinds of words people need to read.
That youāre not alone if youāre experiencing some setbacks. Youāre not alone in feeling frustrated. Youāre not alone in your disappointment at how things turn out and what it will take to claw your way back.
So, Iām taking a second and third stab at writing this piece for you.
Letās go back to that foundation.
In analyzing my situation, yet again, Iāve come to realize something about that foundation. It feels shaky because I truly miss the ability to keep up the physical activity I want for myself. But I also think it feels shaky because of how much value I associate with my identity as an active and fit person.

This is nothing new to me. For the better part of my adult life, Iāve had a persona that I thought I had to keep up. I had a part to play in how others perceived me. Iāve been swinging wildly on a pendulum with an āall or nothingā mentality. When my body is broken, itās like the whole operating system wants to shut down. And when itās working, Iām literally running up a mountain.
I was explaining to my nine-year-old last night what āwallowingā means. And then I found myself reflecting on the fact that Iāve been wallowing over my broken toe for three weeks now, ever since that glass pot lid went flying out of the dishwasher onto my pinky. Itās OK to wallow for a bit and get the rest we need, but when I think about it, there was so much I still could have done to stay active. Cycling isnāt too bad. I can still lift weights with my arms, and do some core strength exercise.
But instead, Iāve been wallowing and resenting myself that Iām about to get in front of a camera to film a documentary this week and I donāt feel comfortable in my own skin.
Where does that leave me? Iām facing the āimageā of me that wasnāt living up to my own expectations and how I wanted to be seen by the world.
I canāt stop caring about that overnight. But, in my previous experience, coming out of setbacks has always required me to practice kindness and gentleness towards myself. It requires taking one small step at a time.
Itās disappointing not to be able to do some of the things I love. But this time itās given me a pause to consider what I can learn about myself as Iām healing and who I want to be in this world when I can hit the ground running.
In the meantime, I need to focus on what I can do.
And when it comes to who I want to be, I want to show up for this world in whatever way, shape or form Iām currently in and say, This is me. This is all of me.
The world mostly wonāt care. Those who feel Iām not living up to their expectations⦠well, they arenāt my problem. Itās actually none of my business. The important thing is that Iām showing up, no matter what.
Thereās a quote pegged to the pinboard in my front hallway, and Iāll leave it with you today.
āAuthenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. Itās about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.ā
ā BrenĆ© Brown
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Whatās caught my attention lately⦠āØ
Breaking Cycles & Reparenting Yourself with Dr. Becky Kennedy on We Can Do Hard Things. A good listen for those wanting a different perspective on the parent-child relationship and how we can come alongside our kids through their struggles.
A wee request⦠āØ
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Lights to Guide Me Home ⨠is now available!
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This is me. This is all of me. š«¶
Oh I feel this. Vulnerability is so hard, no matter how many times I read Brene Brown's encouragement to practice being more vulnerable.
I get it Meghan. I donāt have any injuries right now but I have in the past. I just try to remember that they are temporary problems that will get better. Right now I am preparing for a big move and my motivation goes from excited to burned out at the thought of going through every single item in my house to decide if it stays or goes. Fun!