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Thirteen years ago, Paul and I went on a month-long backpacking trip in the Caribbean. 🎒 It was my first time ever travelling this way. I was fresh out of university and had a new life ahead of me, with zero commitments. I was way, way out of my comfort zone but curiously followed my nose.
Paul and I both like to plan. We don’t mind some spontaneity but mostly love to have a sense of the details, especially where we’ll stay and how we’ll get from A to B. This, we feel, helps us make the most of things. But there were some details we couldn’t figure out prior to leaving for the Caribbean. Whenever we arrived on a new island, we had to wing it. I called this the No-Plan Plan (see, in my mind, even spontaneity has a label!).
I remember when we arrived on the island of Tortola, in the British Virgin Islands, a thunderstorm was looming. By the time we finished getting our groceries, the rain was falling so hard we could barely see across the street. We had no idea how we would get to our campground on the other side of the island and it was getting dark. I could feel anxiety rising in me.
Then we heard a voice:
“Are you heading to Brewers Bay?” a man’s voice called through the rain.
At first, I wondered how he’d guessed, but then realized we probably looked like the kind of people who would be camping in the Caribbean. Two unwashed Canadians with 60-litre backpacks, one smaller backpack hooked over our shoulders (our carry-ons), and arms full of groceries were probably not headed to the resort.
We ended up getting a lift to the campground with a young family from Nantucket Island. Meeting them turned out to be a significant experience for us (one I write about in more detail in the forthcoming book).
I tell you this story because it’s one I’ve been reflecting on as I process some new information about myself. Travelling to the Caribbean with some (gasp!) unplanned details was a big step for me, but I hadn’t put my finger on precisely why until recently.
You see, I like to think. 🤔 I like to process. I like to plan and have backup plans. This past week I learned that I am an Enneagram Type 5 and suddenly so much of my approach to life made sense to me. I am easily overwhelmed when I can’t make sense of things. When the world moves too quickly I want to crawl under my sheets and think, not feel. When there is something new on the table—a decision to make, a process to begin—I want as much information as possible. When I can’t rely on something or I’m waiting, I become anxious. The No-Plan Plan takes me out of my comfort zone.
Right now my whole life feels like I did standing outside that grocery store on Tortola as the rain deluges and nighttime creeps in and I have no clue how I will get from A to B. I have experienced a lot of changes this past year and don’t have a clear direction forward. What should I focus on? What will bring me fulfillment? What will give me a sense of purpose?
On my back, I’m carrying everything I need. I know I have the tools. But the future right now feels like a long walk into a wet and stormy darkness. I’m not talking all doom and gloom. I’m talking about this: that as we emerge out of this pandemic I thought I’d see more sunshine and rainbows. That I’d feel more lightness. That everything would be better, life would be easier. But that’s not how this is playing out.
I have heard this from a few people now, that it’s like we don’t know how to function anymore. I feel like I’m facing a dense fog. There is some fatigue that needs addressing. Rest and introspection to heal the trauma that this year and a half of unknowns has thrust upon me. There are moments of joy that I’m avoiding after so many disappointments.
My instinct is telling me to be patient and simply wait. To practice gratitude even when I don’t feel grateful. The fog will clear. The sun will come out. A voice will call out from the rain. But my Enneagram 5 thinking mind is running in circles looking for answers, a logical way through. 😊
This is a good opportunity for me to lean into the feelings. The discomfort, awkwardness, vulnerability. Because sometimes there is no road map. There is no plan.
So, part of my work is to allow myself to feel more. Moment by moment. Observe, be still, and feel, not only think. Cry when I need to (I rarely cry unless I’m alone with my husband). Relish the experiences that allow me to step out of my comfort zone. Lean into joy, even when I don’t know where I’m going.
Is this not what it means to live life? 💖
Yes, I’m slow to learn this. My Enneagram Type serves me in incredible ways, but this is where it also gets in the way. So, I’m working on this.
How about you? Anyone else in the fog with me right now?
If you’re curious to learn your type, take a test (there are plenty on the web; this is one I used; be sure to do the second part for more accuracy). You might be a combination of a few types. Answer the questions as honestly as you can. Answer them according to how you feel or function, not how you’d like to. 😉
What’s caught my attention lately… ✨
EnneaApp - A complete mobile Enneagram reference tool. Thanks to my sister for the recommendation! I enjoy poking around this app and learning more about myself and others. It helps me develop empathy for other types while I also develop kindness towards myself and a deeper understand of the ways I function.
Kate Quinn’s fiction books. I’m devouring them this summer. If you love historic fiction, war-era pieces, wonderful characters and a well-formulated plot, Quinn is your gal. I thoroughly enjoyed The Rose Code and have now moved on to The Alice Network.
Check these out too… 🙌
*NEW* Mailing List - Memoir - Talk about laying tracks before the train! Join my list to find out more about the travelogue/memoir coming out Fall 2022.
The Wonders That I Find - My children’s book is now available! 🌿
My Email Newsletter - Yes, different from Substack. This newsletter is for specific updates about my books and various projects.
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